No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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