You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
