My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
