Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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