Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
