i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
