P.S. I can't hear my feet
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Randomize
