Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
