my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
