There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
sex in a hospital.. check
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
