he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
