She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
