I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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