hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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