She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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