Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
