also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
