She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We are all done wearing pants today
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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