The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
