There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
