Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
