I never want to see another naked old woman again.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
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