I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
it was like eating out sand paper
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
