So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
