3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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