i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
