btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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