He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize