I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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