The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
