didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize