her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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