Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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