Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
