Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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