Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
