On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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