I'm eating all of the evidence.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
