Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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