Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
