Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
