Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Alive.
So much puke
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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