My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
