Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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