I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
