Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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