woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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