Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
