this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize