if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I supernannyed him into submission
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
