Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize