Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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