I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
