lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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