matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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