Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
