and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
