dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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