My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Randomize
