You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
