just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
