Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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