Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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