so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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