If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
