Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
