Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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