Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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