Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
