i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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