Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
