Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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