remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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