Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
