I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Boobs are out for the taking
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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