Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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