I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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